DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED ;-)

WARNING! - TRACY DID NOT POST THIS. HER HUSBAND DID!!

So, Tracy decided to teach Parker a new word. And it doesn't come out quite right. So, I had to take a movie of it. Zach was my faithful assistant.

Mementos...and unpacking

So it seems to be the case with me that when there is a lot of stress in my life or I am having a hard time with something, that the emotions of missing Karleigh come to the for front a lot more. Maybe it is because I am already emotional about whatever it is that is on my mind and it is easier to let myself actually "feel" the missing.

It seems to always happen with a move, too. We have now moved to our third state and 4th home since Karleigh passed away. And that was only in 5 1/2 years! I think for the most part I do pretty well with our moves, considering I am usually about 8 months pregnant! Not being pregnant this time, I have stepped back while unpacking and organizing and have had a hard time fathoming how I did this so many times big, huge and pregnant....and then shortly after with a newborn and postpartum-y! It is kind of nuts to think about! I would much rather do it this way!

I have tried to not let myself focus on all the boxes and mess and just focus on one room at a time. When I let myself think of everything that needs to be done, as well as kids cared for, laundry done, meals made, house cleaned as good as I can, supporting a husband in his new job stresses, etc etc etc, I feel the anxiety and stress almost consume me. For the most part, I haven't had too much of that. The 4th day after the movers delivered our stuff, was totally rainy, dark and overcast. The kids were completely going stir-crazy, I wanted to get things done so we could at least walk around the house, and it was a depressing day outside. I think really and truly it was only depressing because it was so depressing inside my house.

I finally sat down on the couch, with Chloe and Parker climbing all over me and just stared out the window and cried. I was overwhelmed. There was too much to do and I was beat! And quite frankly - I am sick of this unpacking stuff! I let myself cry for a bit and then I decided to suck it up and get going again or nothing would get better. Sometimes you just have to cry for a minute.

I have been thinking back to my days with my Karleigh girl. I have been missing her. I have been unpacking pictures and mementos of her. I found her little heart-shaped porcelain box that holds a ringlet of her hair with a bow tied around it. It was cut from the back of her head after she passed. I held it up to Chloe's hair. They were the same color. I missed her beautiful curls.

I unpacked pictures and remembrance statues of her. They made me miss her. I put away her hand and feet molds that were made after she died. I missed those sweet, chubby little parts of her. I came across a bag that had a bunch of cards in it. I thought they were old Christmas cards and almost threw them out. I decided to double check and found all the cards that were sent or given to us after Karleigh's passing. I am pretty sure I saved all of them. I reread some of them...and cried. I know for a fact that we got through that time so much easier because of the love and prayers of so many wonderful people.

I talked with my mom about those times shortly after she passed. What was I like? Was I a complete mess? Was I really as strong as people say I was? I don't remember a lot from that time. I know I was being carried and upheld by a loving Savior that has felt this pain.

I can not look at flowers and not think about my girl. For some reason, they just go hand in hand.

Yesterday was a beautiful cool day, so I took my Chloe bud with me to the nursery to pick out a few flowers for the yard - some Karleigh flowers. Yellow day lilies remind us of the flowers we had etched into her headstone, so I picked up a couple of those, along with some other flowers to brighten up our yard.

I love you, Karleigh. 5 years down and only ?? to go till we see each other again. What a beautiful day that will be. I hope there will be lots of flowers on that day!!

Yellow roses for Karleigh to brighten our home.