I am sitting here tonight, ready to type, but unsure exactly how and what I am going to say. I have been wanting to write down thoughts and feelings that I have had for a while, but never quite seem to get around to it. Sometimes I often feel like my personal life and my own personal dramas are just that - personal. So, I often do not share. But this week has been a difficult one and my thoughts need a place to go. It may or may not end up being long...so beware.
I have been working on purging, decluttering and cleaning every single room in my house the last 2 weeks. Some say I am nesting, I say I am finally getting to all the stuff that should have been done when I unpacked. I remember clearly one beautiful, sunny day after we moved in and I was downstairs in the basement - trying to organize and go through boxes. Many of the boxes Chris needed to go through, so I was getting frustrated and annoyed. But, Chris didn't have time to go through them. I was sick of unpacking and just wanted to have the summer to teach my kids, play with them outside and let them have fun. I knew it would help them adjust better to the move and feel more settled.
So on that sunny day, I told myself to just put it on the shelves and in the closets in a semi-organized, livable fashion and do it during the winter when I am trapped inside from cold temps. So, that is what I did. I tried to get it off my mind (because it really bugs me!) and remind myself of what was important to me for the summer - spending time with my kids and helping them.
Well, those cold winter months have arrived and I am now in full swing of decluttering, organizing and getting rid of unwanted/unneeded items. We have been living in mess for 2 weeks now since it usually gets worse before it gets better - at least when I do it. Parker was very sick last week, so that pretty much shot half a week or more of work. But I am slowly seeing progress. Chris has gone through most all of his boxes and that is a HUGE, LOVELY burden off my shoulders! I won't even tell you how long some of that stuff has been boxed! So, hopefully this week, I will be able to put the house back together and get things spring cleaned, even though it isn't spring, so I can feel OK sitting on the couch and letting out a big...."aahhhhhh!!"...knowing I just accomplished something worthwhile and important.
Why do I sit here and ramble on and on about my cleaning? Well, I'm not quite sure. Like I mentioned before, this week has been a rough one and while I have worked and done things around my house, I have had time to think, ponder, cry, meditate, listen to music - all this when the kids will let me or when at least Parker is down for a nap. (that is really the main reason why this decluttering process takes to long....kids! Gotta still be a mom too!)
I have thought a lot about how I am grateful for all the many material things we have that bless my family's life. Sometimes, I feel we have been blessed too much. Other times, I am human and I want for more. But more often than not, I do not want for more (with the occasionally furniture wish list that will probably never go away!). I am content where I am and with what I have. But as I have been working, I have thought lots about being content with what I have. There is a time and place for everything. I will eventually get that bedroom set that I want or that new couch for the family room. But right now, I can be grateful that I have a bed to sleep on and a couch to sit on. They get the job done even though they might not be the greatest. There is so much more to be concerned with than if I have my house totally furnished and the way my day-dreams envision it.
All week, as I have pondered different situations in my life, my thought have felt jumbled and my emotions raw at times. It wasn't until today during our ward conference that I felt like all of those jumbled thoughts, feelings and impressions came together to help me know just what my Heavenly Father has been trying to tell me this week. Sometimes I feel bad that Heavenly Father has to go through so much work to just get a simple (or non-simple) point across to me, but yet, that is often how I learn best - little bits at a time with time to ponder in between. Then I tie it all together. But maybe that is how it is with many others too.
Our Bishop and Stake President talked about decluttering our lives and consciously trying SO much harder to live more like Jesus Christ. The church has been simplifying and doing away with different activities and things so that the focus can be more on our family. Why? Because the family is the most important unit in society. It is where the learning and teaching must happen first. It is where children gain a strong foundation to be strong individuals and good, honorable people. BUT, this effort to eliminate different things will only help if parents then take an extremely active role in making more family togetherness time - time where gospel learning and loving relationships are fostered.
The stake president emphasized that it takes courage - lots of it. Courage you say? Yes, courage. Courage to turn off the TV, turn off the computer, always make a point to sit down together for meal time, courage to not be the popular parent that has you or your children involved in everything - therefore taking away family time, and many more examples. Courage to live within your means and teach your children how to do so too. It takes diligence and sacrifice to sit down every single day with our family to read our scriptures and say family prayer. But how important they are and small (and large) blessings come daily as we do.
When the Bishop said we need to declutter our lives and make room for what is most important, I at first thought, "well, I am in the process of decluttering my house so that I can feel like I have more time to devote to my kids and husband." But then the next thought is where everything tied together, "while you are in the process of decluttering and changing the physical material things around you, start decluttering and doing away with all the personal challenges you have."
I guess why all these things hit harder today is because I have been feeling much of that over the last while. Lately, I often feel like all I do is yell or get upset with my kids - mainly my oldest. Parenting is hard work and it often wears me down to almost nothing. Then when other crisis' hit, I am usually toast and loose it pretty bad or feel like I am going to. I know, if I were to really stop and think about every conversation and interaction I had with my children every day, that I do not yell and get upset all day, everyday. But, obviously it has been enough in the last little while that I am noticing it a TON and I know change needs to happen. And why can't it start with me? I am the adult. I am a role model for my kids. Do I want them feeling like I feel at the end of the day - tired and worn out from fighting? No. I don't. They deserve better.
A few days ago, I started working extra diligently on not raising my voice and consciously working on praise and kindness. I asked all my kids to do the same. And you know what - those days, while they weren't free from disobedient or fighting children, seemed to be different. When I said my prayers and told Heavenly Father about my day, I could feel proud that I know I actively tried to do better and that I would continue to try tomorrow. I knew He knew that I was trying and that I will still mess up plenty - because I am human and I make LOTS of mistakes - just ask my family. But it made me feel good that even though some things were still rough, I could at least go to bed knowing that I did my part to improve my family...even just a little. I have a long way to go before I get to where I need to be and should be!! One day at a time is what I tell myself.
The Sunday school teacher today made another point that hit home with me today. She said something along the lines of, "Aren't we all here to fulfill a specific purpose? That is our job to figure out what it is that the Lord would have us do while we are here on this earth. And when we have children come into our home and our care, it is our job to help lead them and teach them so that they can fulfill their divine mission on this earth."
Being a mother is one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. It is often one of the most tiring and thankless jobs too. But I am often amazed as I look at my children and think of the huge task I have ahead of me to rear them in righteousness, that my Heavenly Father thought that much of me that he would give me
these children. Because I am their mother and I have full biased on them - they truly are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. Each of them has come into our family with their own personality, their own strengths and their own weaknesses. Each of them has blessed our family greatly by the things they do and the person they are. I am amazed often that little old me was entrusted with such wonderful little people. And that is partly why I have been taking such a hard look at myself - because I
know they deserve to have the best roll model and example they can have.
I want them to grow up never questioning the love their mother has for them. I want them to always know that I love them despite the wrong choices they make. I want them to know of my immense love for their father. I want them to know that I took the time to care for myself and nourish myself (spiritually as well as physically) so that I can better take care of them. I want them to grow up and never wonder what their mother believes in - even if that makes me "not cool". I want them to know of my testimony and love for my Savior. I want them to grow up knowing that they can trust in the things that I say and do (privately and publicly) and that I am actively striving to become more like Christ. So that is why I ask myself -
are you? Are
you doing all
you can? If not, now is the time to start, Tracy. If not, tomorrow is a new day and you have a wonderful opportunity to make it all it can be. Even if that is just doing laundry, picking up toys and making meals for your family! You are showing them love and that is what matters.
I have much work to do to improve myself and hopefully in turn, improve my family. There is always room for improvement in every family and in every person. I hope that I can get my house put back together this week so that I can more fully and completely focus on all the ways and things I need to do to declutter my life and hopefully my family's life. My family is my happiness. I love each of them more than I can ever express in words. I am grateful I get to call them mine!
