Two little boys to dress the same. Two little boys to play cars with. Two little boys to watch play in the mud. Two little boys to get into mischief. Two little boys to share a room. Two little boys that can be buddies. Two little boys to love. It is getting exciting to think about.
The reality of having two little boys running around our house has been quite the process in accepting and understanding. I am actually still in the process of accepting and understanding it. It takes time to fully understand God's plan for me, my life, and the lives of those in my family. Sometimes, I wish I could just see the road map I am supposed to be on, as if that would make everything easier. Really it won't because then where does my faith go?
I probably did it to myself. I was 99.9% sure we were having a girl this time around. I have never been that adamant about "knowing" what I was having before! I have never cared so much either. Just in conversation I would refer to the baby as "her" or "she." It just felt natural and it just felt right. I remember saying to my mom before we found out the sex of this baby that "Watch, Heavenly Father is going to play a huge trick on me and send us a boy!" But I dismissed that thought and went about my business, planning for a girl. I haven't shared many of these feelings for fear of others thinking I am awful for feeling the way I do. I would never in anyway want this new baby to ever feel that he was not wanted or that he is not welcome. That is not the case at all. I just had some personal experiences that really made me feel that we were having a girl. So, once again, I have found that typing things out is an outlet for me - even if things end up jumbled. I don't have anyone sitting in front of me telling me that my thoughts, opinions and feelings aren't right.
This whole process of accepting that I am actually carrying a little boy inside of me is interesting. There are so many variables for me in why I would want a girl. One of the main reasons is another sister for Chloe. I have 5 sisters. I love my sisters so much and have appreciated so much having them in my life. The thought of not having them around is SO foreign to me and for Chloe to grow up without a sister to hang out with has just been strange. Yes, she has a sister - Karleigh. But obviously, she is not here and Chloe will not be growing up with her sister here by her side. This is a huge reason for me feeling the way I have about not having a girl. I miss my daughter. I miss everything about her. And NEVER have I thought that another girl would replace Karleigh. No one ever could! Chloe has never replaced her. She has just filled the void and brought a different batch of joy to my life. But on a very small scale, the dreams that I dreamt at the beginning of this pregnancy of my Chloe girl growing up with a sister and then the reality of her not, is on a small scale, just like another loss. It is a loss of the "dream" that we all have as parents. The dream to see our children grow up and get married and have children, etc. I already lost that dream with one child. I can not raise her right now.
But obviously, the plan and dream that I have for my life has rarely ever been what my Heavenly Father has in mind. Never in my childhood dreams would I have ever asked to have a child with disabilities or then to be taken so abruptly and so soon from my arms. Never would I have asked to go through some of the trials that I have. But, am I a better person for it? Yes, most definitely. Has my life been awful because of a different reality that I was handed? Quite the contrary. Having a daughter that was born with physical disabilities was not on my "list" I made when I was younger of what my ideal family would be like. But oh, what a wonderful blessing it was in my life. To know and love and care for one of the most valiant, beautiful, sweet and special children ever to grace this earth is a dream come true....I just didn't know it when I was making my "list" when I was younger. I can not fully 100% say that having her out of my arms is something I am thankful for. I can be grateful that she doesn't have to go through the hurt and struggle that her little body brought with it. I can be grateful that I had her for the time I was allotted, instead of it being way less. But, I am also her mom and miss her, so I don't know if I will ever fully be grateful that I do not have her here. Make sense?
So, the plan that we would have another little girl running around in pink clothes is obviously not in Heavenly Father's plan. I have been being humbled these last couple months in understanding that even though His plan was not My plan - it is still a good plan. Having another boy was not something I ever gave much thought to until the ultrasound (and I made them check and re-check in 3 different ultrasounds just to make sure). But having another boy will be good. I focused so much on trying to fill the void of "sister" for Chloe, that I didn't really think about how it will totally be fun for another little Zach/Parker to be running around. I didn't give much thought to the fact that having a child back to back in the same sex might be really great! I have thought many times that maybe this is why Chloe was blessed with a feisty attitude...so she can hold her own against 3 brothers!! I am still pretty worried about how my Parker-pants will teach this new little boy all his tricks on being mischievous and naughty! I think I will have my work cut out for me! But, I am also excited to see how Parker's huggy, lovable, sensitive side will affect this new little guy.
The shock of having a boy is gone, and the reality is still settling in. This new little fella will be loved just as much as all the other kids and will be a blessing to our family. He will bring more lessons and more humbling to his mom and dad. So, although I feel like I very much struggle to figure out the male species...I am getting more and more excited everyday at the fun this new little person will bring to our family!
