"When the summer is over...."

All summer long, Chloe has been anxiously awaiting for the start of preschool! She would tell everyone that "when the summer is over, I get to go to preschool!!" So much excitement! We found her a new backpack and lunch bag (she gets to bring a sacklunch to school), which she adores and is SO proud of! As we were driving to school this morning, she saw a bus going down a different road and told me that I was going the wrong way and I needed to follow the bus. For a minute she was pretty bummed that school is not at a "real" school, but quickly got over it. A wonderful lady in our ward is doing a preschool from her home for about 8 kids. I am so excited for Chloe, but it was sure weird having her gone for so long (2 days/week - 4 hours).

Our conversation last night before bed went like this...

Me: "What if I miss you so much while you are at preschool?"

Chloe: (while hugging me) "Don't be sad Mom! I promise I will come back! Parker and Baxter will be here and take care of you so you won't be your only!"

On the way home today, she told me that I was sad while she was gone, but now I could be happy because she came back! My little girl-girl is growing up too fast for my liking!

Taking care of Squirt...

So, one of the most important things we do when we visit Colorado is to take care of our little Squirt. This is not the way I ever invisioned taking care of one of my children. I always invisioned changing diapers, cleaning messes, playing games, taking pride in their accomplishments, watching them grow into adulthood and seeing who they become.

For one of my children, my little Squirt, I take pride in her biggest accomplishment of all. She did it! She accomplished the purpose she was sent to this earth for. She accomplished all that our Heavenly Father asked her to do.

Although my life certainly doesn't always go as I planned, it goes the way He planned - and that plan is a perfect plan. It is perfect, even if my earthly human eyes can't see the entire big picture. I know that there is a plan. I know that He knows all the reasons Karleigh only needed to be here physically with our family for a short time.

And although I know that He knows that I know this truth, I also know that He knows that my heart hurts. That my heart will always have hurt and a longing for seeing my sweet daughter again. I know that this longing will help to keep me always striving to be humble enough to get on my knees and ask for His help to make it back to be with my darling daughter forever. I know that my Father in Heaven helps ease the pain and hurt from this longing when sometimes it feels too much to bare. He lightens my load over and over again - even when I am not particularly deserving of the help.

This 1st visit back to the cemetary was easier than all the others have been in years past. We were there to take care of her in the only way that we physically can. We were there to, in some small way, let her know that we loved her and that we think of her ALL the time. We were there to pay respects to a perfect, beautiful little girl who brought so much joy, laughter and peace into our lives. But, it was easier this year. We did what we went there to do, took some pictures, and left. We got through it. We got through it without tears. Amazing to me. The quote that says "time heals all wounds" really rang true that day. It hurt, yes, but we made it through.

We went to the cemetary a few times while out in Colorado. The last time was the night before we left to drive home. It was just the kids and I as we were leaving Johnstown to head back over to Chris's parents. It had been a rough day and I was not feeling particularly strong emotionally that day. As I walked back to the car, the feelings came over me that I was so close to having all my children right there....tangibly. We were at the place where my daughter's body lay. I was so close, yet - so far. As the tears welled up in my eyes, I longed to hold them all together in a big family group hug. I longed to drive away in my car with all 4 of my kids. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to drive away, yet again, from my daughters physical body.

But, as I have so many times before, I wiped the tears before I was a huge mess, picked my head up, put my shoulders back and drove away. Away until the time when we again will be able to care for our little Squirt. I am so grateful to those dear friends and family that go to visit and take care of Karleigh. We feel so blessed to have left her in a place where so many people have been touched by her life and are still willing, after all these years, to keep her headstone clean and bring her little gifts. Our load has been lightened by many of these wonderful people. A special thanks to Del and Kathy Slaugh, who were in our ward in Johnstown. They visit her every holiday and bring special gifts to brighten her gravesite. As I thanked Del at church on Sunday, the tears flowed freely.

(Newest little gift from the Slaugh's)

I wish so badly that I could be there to take care of it. I am her mother. I am supposed to do that. It is the only physical way I have these days of caring for her. But, since there has obvioulsy been a different plan for my life, I am truly grateful and deeply touched by the kind acts of others as they care for my daughters resting place. I am sure there are others that I have not gotten to thank personally. If you are one of them, and happen to read this blog - Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you for what you do for my daughter - and for my family. Thank you.

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for my life. It is a good plan. It is not always easy, but I am confident that it is a good plan and that my life will be graetly blessed as I do my best to accept what comes my way. I am grateful that I have my Squirt up in heaven caring for me now and cheering me along. I know that I will see her again some day and I will be able to have that big family group hug that I long for. Someday....just not now. And that is ok. I am ok. We are ok.

2 Nephi 2:24
But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things.