Long overdue recap!!

My life as a mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter and all the other "titles" I hold, are some of my greatest treasures. At times though, they can seem to feel as they will swallow me up sometimes - with the possibility of spitting me out...someday. There are times when I think I handle all my titles and responsibilities fairly well, and then there are times where I feel like I could drown and I am doing a crappy job with all of them. I think my lack of blogging over the last almost 2 months is probably due to the fact that I was just trying to keep my head afloat. I needed to do the best I could at my most important titles - that of being a wife and mom. I am not sure I really succeeded in that, but I know I tried.

So, since I haven't posted any pictures of my cute kids in forever and I know some grandma's and aunts out there are wishing I would....I will post lots of pictures! Lucky day for you, I know!

First up - my squishy, kissable baby!!! Dang, he's cute!! Can you believe his 1st birthday is coming up in February!!! Man, where does the time go?!!?As we were eating dinner one night, Parker decided to amuse us all with a game of Peek-a-boo.

Halloween 2009 - Zach as a Star Wars dude (don't remember the name), Chloe as Cinderella (thanks Morgan for the costume!!! It is getting lots of use!), and Parker as a chunky pumpkin!

Teach them while they are young....Wanna play the grass game anyone? (yes, my family is probably the only one's who know what I am talking about)

Thanksgiving was small and quite this year. We enjoyed a nice turkey dinner....just the 5 of us. Here are a few pics from the day.... Our turkey table decorations....(Chloe, Zach, Tracy, Chris)

The boys have been doing a lot of mountain biking lately. Chris was able to take off work for a week at Thanksgiving and then 2 weeks at Christmas. He used to mountain bike religiously before we got married. He finally just got a new bike so he could get riding again. Well, since Zach wants to do everything that his good old dad does - he had to get a bike too! I am glad they can go do this together.

Zach has been doing SO awesome in school lately!! He has stayed on the Honor Roll and has really been trying hard to do his best and behave his best. I am really, really proud of him and all he is accomplishing!! He brought home this certificate last month from the principal. He, along with 3 other kids were chosen to have lunch with the principal (on the stage in front of the cafeteria!!), and then they got an otter-pop from him! What a fun day that was!!

Chloe-girl waiting for Santa... Chloe insisted that she wear her Christmas dress (that Karleigh passed down to her!) to her Preschool Christmas party. She looked beautiful!Christmas Eve 2009 - For many years growing up, we put on the nativity while my dad read the Christmas story. I know as I got older and "cooler", I fought that tradition. But now I see how fun it must have been for my parents!! It was fun to get the kids dressed up - or at least 2 out of the 3 - even if it only lasted for a few minutes. Parker refused to keep anything on his head. At first we thought it would be funny to have him be baby Jesus - but we realized he wouldn't fit in the little cradle (this is my cradle that my dad made me when I was little!) - plus he surely wouldn't hold still! It was hard enough to get him to sit next to the cradle without him mauling our little baby Jesus!

Chloe was SO excited to be Mary!!

Christmas Morning 2009 - Coming down the stairs to check out what Santa brought! (yes I realize Chloe's pj's are mismatched! She did go to bed with matching pants....promise!

Santa did come and was very good to us this year! (and Grandpa and Grandma Clay) Thanks so much for everything!!!

I asked Chloe what she wanted to make for the boys for Christmas. Since her life right now revolves around playing dress-up, it makes sense that her immediate response was.....a Prince costume!! She helped me make them and was SO excited for them to open it!!

After opening up our presents, we had a yummy breakfast and then vegged the rest of the day. We watched movies, went to the park, ate yummy stuff from our stockings and then had a nice ham dinner later that night. I sure wish we could have been close to family this holiday season! We are so far away from anyone, but we appreciate you thinking of us and sending us gifts and love!! We love you all!!!

That is a quick, jumbled recap of the last few months. I hope everyone has had a fabulous holiday season. I will try to do better at posting from now on.....!

The Ball Machine

(warning....long post)

I feel the lump. The lump in your throat that comes when tears are about to spill out of your eyes and run down your face. The lump that usually comes as memories fill your mind. Those memories can be good and the lump can come. The memories can be hard and sad and the lump will come. I get the lump almost every time before the tears come.

Today, as I rocked my sweet Parker to sleep at nap time, my house was quite and still. Chris is at work, Zach at school and Chloe still sound asleep after a long night. As I usually do while rocking Parker, I laid my head back in the chair and rested my eyes. And oh, are they tired. Having two stuffy nose kids makes for a long night - especially when one wants a pacifier and can't breath and suck at the same time. I melted into my bed for only about an hour last night - the rest of the few hours of sleep I got came off and on in the chair.

As I held my sleeping baby, my mind wandered off to a place it hasn't been to for a very, very long time. I am not quite sure what sparked this memory, but I let myself be there in that memory for a bit. It started with the ball machine. A big contraption surrounded by glass so it was not touched or tampered with. This ball machine contraption had small balls that would go through all kinds of mazes, hills, twirly-whirly slides and ramps that catapulted it into a basket and down another shoot. Sometimes it would look like it was going to get stuck, and then something would come smack it and set it into motion again. When the ball would get to the end of the maze, it would wait it's turn to go for another ride through the maze. There were lots of balls going all at once, which made it even more interesting to sit and watch. It was about 7-8 feet tall and made a click-clacking sound. I can picture it so well.

I have forgotten about this ball machine for almost 4 1/2 years. Many hours were spent watching these balls. They were mesmerizing! I am surprised I have forgotten about this machine, but yet, I'm not. You see, this ball machine was at The Children's Hospital in Denver, CO. This place was almost my second home while Karleigh was here. So much time was spent there. So many walks down the same hallways and corridor's.

The ball machine was in the waiting area where children go to get their blood drawn. We waited there many, many times. It was also just down from the hospital pharmacy, another reason we waited many, many times. So, while waiting and waiting, we watched the ball machine. Zach and Karleigh both loved to watch it as well.

As the memories of the ball machine come, I let myself "walk" the halls of the hospital once again. I am amazed at how I can navigate around that hospital in my mind. I envisioned driving into the parking garage and going up and up and up until I could find a spot - preferably a handicap parking spot so I could easily pull out Karleigh's wheelchair and get her situated safely. Sometimes the only place to park was going to the uncovered 6th floor (top floor) of the garage. Winter time was not the funnest to unload her on that level with snow and ice on the ground and blowing wind.

I can picture hurrying into the elevator and getting off at the 3rd floor to go to the Special Care Clinic where her amazing and fabulous doctors were. Dr. Ellen Elias and the others in that clinic became dear friends. Dr. Elias, in particular, saw us through so many rough times and so many diagnosis. Through diligent effort on her part and many tests, she found out what was "wrong" with Karleigh. It was not found out in a simple blood test and she kept trying new things until she found it. Mosaic 5q deletion. So rare that in her 20 years of being a pediatrician/geneticist, she had never come across this abnormality. 5q deletion, yes - but not Mosaic 5q deletion. Everything was a guessing game for her and she handled it beautifully. Dr. Elias and her colleagues sent us for test after test and multiple surgeries from that clinic to determine all the sub-diagnosis's for our little girl (and believe me, there were many!) and to help her have a better life. So much time spent with these wonderful people. Many tears shed in their presence. Even more lumps in my throat as I made it through the appts, only to break down into tears on my hour drive home. And some of the most touching memories of Dr. Elias was her being the very first person in the ER room right after that terrible morning. She hugged and cried with us and shared our pain as she gently caressed Karleigh's hair. We were so grateful to have her there. She loved our girl, and we loved her for loving our girl. And what is even more amazing to us is that she and some of the others from the clinic took time from their very busy schedules (she was the head pediatrician at the hospital - very busy lady) to drive an hour north to attend Karleigh's funeral. We were so touched and so grateful for their support and love.

My mind wandered to the radiology waiting room. Time wise - this was a close second to the amount of time we spent at the clinic. I can still picture the waiting room. There was a big half-circle check-in desk and the door was off to the left of that which led back to the x-ray rooms. There was seating all over. Up in the front was one of Zach's favorite things to play in. (Zach spent a lot of time with us at appts) It was a big truck or some kind of car with a steering wheel. There was a column in the middle of the waiting room with a tv that never had anything good to watch. In the front right corner, there was a huge salt water fish tank that Karleigh loved to watch as the fish swimming back and forth.

This waiting room led back to where many tests under big scary machines plus multiple scans and x-rays took place. Chest x-rays were a common occurrence to make sure her aspiration problems were not causing pneumonia. I remember one of the first scans she had was a Cat-scan. She was about 6 months old. They had to give her a mild sedative so that she would not move at all during the scan. They let me stay there while they stuck her with the IV and while she fell asleep. I choked back the tears. They said I could either go out to the waiting room if it was too much to watch or sit in chair in the scan room and wait. I was extremely nervous for my tiny 12 lb. baby to be going into such a huge machine. (we still didn't know what was "wrong" with her at this point) Watching her, what looked like a life-less body, go into that big CT machine, was more than the lump in my throat could handle that day. I sat there in tears as I waited for the machine to do its job and for them to give me my baby back.

I also "walked" down the very long hallway where we met with Dr. Laoprasert, a Neurologist. It was in the back part of the hospital and was kind of a dark hallway that looked pretty old. She did many EKG's in this part of the hospital and we found out about her epilepsy there. I remember Dr. Laoprasert asking me if I was a nurse because of the dialogue we were having about Karleigh's condition. Uh, no - but you sure do learn a lot while your baby is going through so much. Learning as much as possible about the "Dr. Language" made it much easier to talk to the dr's and nurses.

I even "walked" to the surgery waiting area. We were only in that waiting room 3 times, but it is still very ingrained in my mind. That first surgery when Karleigh was 6 1/2 months old - so scary, but yet so hopeful that it would help her. She had a g-tube (feeding tube) put in her tummy as well as a Nissan fundiplication to prevent reflux. The pain she experienced while recovering from that surgery was the most extreme physical pain I have ever witnessed in my entire life! And to make matters worse - this was a 6 month old!!! I will never forget the prayer I said that night as she lay there crying for relief. Chris had gone home to be with Zach and I was alone with her in her hospital room. I couldn't hold her because it caused more pain. I wanted so badly to so I could try to take the pain away. I couldn't. So I held her hand and rubbed her swollen face and prayed. "Heavenly Father, Please send angels to comfort her and help her through this." Less than a minute later, the screaming that had gone on for quite a while subsided and she was calm. I cried. I cried and cried. There is no doubt in my mind that others were there - angels were there - holding her when I couldn't. She got some relief for a little while.

Another miracle happened when the next day they finally had her pain somewhat under control and I could hold her. For the first time in her life, she was comfortable enough to snuggle with me. She snuggled into my chest and I held on to her and cried. I was so hopeful that I was seeing a glimpse of the future snuggling we would have once her pain went away. And snuggles I got! She was the best!! What was supposed to be a 3 day stay in the hospital turned into a 5 day stay because her pain management was not going so well. After we got home, it seemed that the pain got worse for a bit. My mom was there to help me/us and help she was! After trying to comfort Karleigh for 6 hours and her screaming non-stop for that entire time, my mom volunteered to let me leave and have a break, while she stayed and tried to comfort her. After not leaving the hospital room for 5 days, except to shower down the hall, and then coming home with no relief - it was a break that I needed more than I knew. My mom - my earthly angel! I love her.

As I "walked" the halls and remembered the layout of the hospital, remembered the pictures on the walls, remembered the people that were there, remembered all the time I spent there - I also remembered many wonderful things that happened there. I remember the happy times I had with my girl there in those hospital halls and waiting rooms. I remember miracles I witnessed as I held her hand through every single test and trial that my Karleigh girl went through. I was there for every single one of them. I remember the miracles that came about in my own life because of the things I myself went through in that wonderful hospital.

I am not sure why this morning I got to "walk" the halls of the hospital. But I am thankful for the memory of that ball machine and for the symbolism it plays in my life. I am like the ball that goes through mazes and hills all the time - constantly. We all are. Sometimes they are hard to climb, other times we climb them with ease. Sometimes we fly through the air without a care in the world. We are caught by loving arms that help us on our rest of the journey through the ball machine. We sometimes feel as though we will be stuck and then someone or something is sent to give us a little kick in the rear and we get moving again. When we get to the end of that trial or event, it starts over. Always an opportunity to start again. To try to make it through the course a little bit easier because of the things we learned the last time we went on the ride. Each time we learn a little more and grow a little more. If we didn't, then there would be no purpose and no enjoyment in our time spent in the ball machine (life). I hope that I will be able to enjoy the time, good and bad, that I spend going through this maze of life. I am grateful to so many who have been the thing that has caught me and helped me on the next phase of my journey!

Coincidence or Not? I choose to believe Not.

I have a strong belief that God hears even the simplest of prayers. I know that He hears our prayers, even when we think that He might not. I have too many examples in my life where I have gained that knowledge. I have seen it in others lives too. I can't deny the fact that I have seen small and simple prayer requests answered. Some seem miraculous. Some I don't even notice until I really take the time to ponder and think.

Just about every day, I pray for safety for my family, for myself, for loved ones, etc. My children even say it in their prayers. I will admit that sometimes I say it out of habit, taking for granted what I am really asking for. Not always stopping to ponder the fact that - hey, He really has answered that request - over and over again.

Yesterday afternoon, Chris was outside mowing the grass and trimming bushes in the front yard. Zach was playing back and forth between our house and a friends. With Parker in tow, I took Chloe out to hang out with Chris while he worked in the yard, which she loves to do. I stayed out for just a bit and then headed inside with Parker.

After about 20 minutes or so, I headed back out - for no reason at all, really. It was a nice day and I was going to just go see what was going on. Chris had moved up to a different section of the front yard. Chloe had gone with him. As I came out the front door, I immediately heard a huge crashing noise, and realized that it sounded like a car. As I walked up around the garage which blocks my view from that part of the yard, I saw where the noise came from.

Our 17 or 18 year old neighbor boy had been driving down the road on his way to take some powdered sugar to his aunt. The sugar started to spill, and as he reached for it, he accidentally swerved and crashed into the neighbors car that was parked on the street. The poor kid - just trying to be helpful and totally mashed 2 cars. I was sad for him. (yes, he was fine. The cars, not so fine.) The crazy thing was - the neighbors car was .... ended up in my front yard! Yes, the very yard Chris, Chloe, Parker and myself were just in.

Had the accident happened 20 minutes earlier, Chris and Chloe most likely would have been hit. So scary to even think about that reality. Had the accident happened not even an hour later, it is very possible that many little trick-or-treaters would have been in harms way.

Now it is very easy to say that this is just a coincidence and blow it off as "whew! Glad we weren't in that part of the yard!" But I choose to believe otherwise. This is yet another example and testament to me that my prayers - small, simple and often taken for granted - are heard. This was NOT a coincidence that everyone was out of harms way. This was another example to me that I have a Father in Heaven that loves my family and I. This was another example to me that He cares. He really cared about my simple request of keeping us safe yesterday. I will always choose to believe that this was not coincidence, but yet the Hand of God gently reaching out to my family and keeping us safe. I am deeply touched and so grateful to Him.

Animals, Picnics, Train rides and FUN!

Get ready for lots of pictures of.....yep, you guessed it - my darling kids!! We had fall break the first 2 1/2 weeks of October (Zach has a modified year round school schedule). The first week off we had lots of fun at the Phoenix Zoo, going on bike rides and walks, playing at the park, and doing a bit of shopping.

Well....that meant that the house got pretty neglected, so the next week we had fun cleaning and organizing the storage room (I am sure Zach won't agree with the word "fun" in the same sentence as "cleaning".). It was so nice having Zach home. He is such a good helper. He did do some cleaning, but mostly just kept Parker and Chloe entertained while I organized.

We decided before break that one of the things we wanted to do was to go to the zoo! There was one day that first week that the tempurature was finally down into the 80's. After months and months.....and months!! of triple digits (no, I am not used to this AZ heat yet!), it was so exciting to be able to be outside and enjoy the weather! See how excited Parker is that morning while eating his breakfast!!! I had to include this picture because, well....I just love it! He is such a cheezer and you can just feel the excitement from his cute face!!Zach brought along 2 buddies, so that made 5 kids to keep track of all by my lonesome! (It is not to hard when you have 3 well-behaved 9-11 year-olds and a double stroller to strap the other two into.)

Here are some of the kids favorite animals we saw.

Can you see the 3 blue frogs? There is a baby one on top of the mom. They were really cool looking!

Hello, Mr. Monkey (I think he's a monkey). You are quite strange looking, aren't you! But you were very nice to pose for a picture!

I always used to love riding the carousel as a kid! Honestly, I am not sure what makes them so much fun, but my kids just love them - just like I used to! Zach and his buddies decided they were too big and cool for the carousel and decided to go spend their cash inside the souveneir shop while Chloe and Parker rode round and round! On the way home we stopped for an ice cream to top off our FUN day!

The last day of fall break, a friend told us about a really fun park up in Scottsdale. So, with more fabulous weather to get out and enjoy, we decided to make the drive and check it out! IT was super fun and we stayed for many hours!! We call it the Railroad Park. This is what you see as you enter the park! I know Zach would have been going complete nuts had he been about 2 or 3 years old to see such a cool REAL train! To top it off, the park is free and then you just pay a small amount for tickets to ride on things!

Inside the train car!! That was fun to walk down the small skinny isle and look into the little bedrooms, kitchen, bathrooms, sitting rooms and control room.

Just outside of the train was a little museum that had actual rail equiptment that the kids could play on.

Next up - the carousel!! This time everyone wanted to ride! Parker was much more excited this time around...although you can't really tell in the picture.

There was this fun miniture train to ride on. It took us around the whole park, through a tunnel and even had a real horn that chugged! So much fun!!! Yes, Chloe is fighting with Zach in this next picture to stand in the corner! Boo. She is even sitting with me right now as I am posting this and just said, "Mom, I am pushing Zach in that picture because I wanted to stand there! Thanks for putting that picture of me pushing Zach!" haha)

Next, we hit the playground! Lots of fun, although it didn't last too long because everyone was getting hungry for lunch. So after playing on the slides for a bit, we sat down for our picnic lunch.

"YUMMY!! I like my lunch!!!"

After lunch the kids played in this little old western town. Chloe loved to pretend that she was Cinderella going to the ball and that Zach was her Prince. And Zach, being the fabulous brother that he is, played along....for a few minutes anyway! We ended our day with one last ride on the train and then headed home! It was another FUN day!!

Karleigh's 7th Birthday Celebration

So the bathrooms have been scrubbed and the laundry is washing, so I will finally take some time to update this blog that I have been neglecting in between loads!! Lots of pictures to post - we'll see how much I actually get done between laundry, kids and life!

First up....Karleigh's birthday!

It is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that if things were different, we would have a 7 year old right now! I can only imagine the things she would be doing right now. Things in her life changed so frequently that I am not quite sure what kind of advancements she would have made physically and in other areas. Based on the amazing things she started doing the month or two before she died, I would like to think that she would possibly be a somewhat mobile and maybe even able to say something. Who knows - maybe even better than that! Someday I will know what it is like to have Karleigh here in my arms as a 7 year old! I look forward to raising her someday!

Her birthday celebration was a wonderful day spent together as a family. We had a happy day. A day filled with time together, giving something small to others to help them have a happy day, a day enjoying the beautiful nature around us and then reminiscing as we went through Karleigh's memory box. (usually we plant bulbs, but since those don't work too well here in warm Arizona, we had to do something else.) I think the most important part of the day was just the fact that we were a family, enjoying small little things that Karleigh did and remembering her. We indeed felt her happiness near. I really feel like that is why the day went so well. We sure do love our birthday girl!! Happy 7th Birthday, Karleigh!

First, we frosted sugar cookies to deliver to friends. We included the poem that we used last year that my wonderful sister, Marci wrote. (Poem at the end of this post)

Before leaving to make deliveries, the kids had a quick birthday photo taken. Just picture Karleigh in there with them!

After making our deliveries, we headed to the store to each pick out a flower for our flower pots that reminded us of Karleigh. (yes, you can plant flowers this time of year here! Weird, I know!)

We then came home to throw a quick dinner together. Chris threw some chicken on the grill while I got the other food together. When it was ready, we headed to a park in town to have a nice picnic dinner and watch the sunset. It was beautiful! After dinner, we took a stroll around the lake and enjoyed the cool air.

Chris enjoying his dinner! (sorry Chris for the funny face you are making....caught ya at the wrong time!)

Parker, happy as usual, had a great time hanging out in the stroller while we ate (yes, he got to eat too).

Chloe let me borrow a flower hair bow to clip in my hair. It was fun to wear it and be matching with my girlie in remembrance of my angel girlie.

After the park, we came home to have cupcakes and ice cream. Zach did a fabulous job making the cupcakes all by himself!

Last, we pulled out Karleigh's box of belongings and went through it together as a family. It was bittersweet as we reminisced. Zach really remembers a lot about Karleigh and wanted to help Chloe and Parker know her as much as possible. He would pull something out of the box and then tell us about it. It was nice to see that he still remembers, but sad that he has to remember - if that makes sense.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl! We love you!

A Birthday Wish…

We’d like to tell you of a girl we know
Who passed away a few years ago.
This is not a story of sorrow and tears;
Instead, it is one of smiles and cheers.

You see, her life was a gift from our
Father above;
And she taught us all what it meant to love.
Her eyes told a story of promise and hope,
And her giggles could cheer even the grumpiest mope.

Today we celebrate her precious life,
And try to remember there are blessings amid strife.
Although she is missed more than words can say,
Her message of love goes on each day.

So enjoy these treats and as you do,
Remember always there are many who love you.


Karleigh Ann Stimpson
10/16/02 – 4/14/05

Texting While Driving...

I used to take texting while driving lightly until I saw this one. Don't do it. Don't even check email on the BlackBerry. Even using the iPod while driving will produce the same results.



With Love,
Christopher Stimpson