My dream...

I seldom remember my dreams unless they are retarded and have really wierd stuff in them. There have been a few times where I have had some pretty powerful dreams that I know were not by accident. Last night, I was in and out of sleep due to my back being out of whack and hurting a lot.

But what is wonderful is the fact that I remember I had a special dream. I remember I didn't want it to end. I remember not wanting to wake up from it. Oh, if only that dream could have come true today! I don't remember a ton of it, but I do remember the feeling I had during it.

I don't remember where I was and only remember a bit of what I was doing. I remember standing somewhere with a friend. We were watching something very interesting, although I don't remember what it was. I then remember looking down and smiling at my beautiful Karleigh. She looked just as she did before she passed. She was the same size, same chub on her face, same darling gurgly voice, still with her disabilities, but oh my - so, so pretty! She was as happy as can be and was laying on something soft. I remember I looked down at her, smiled and then looked back at what the friend and I were watching.

All the sudden as I was watching what ever it was, I remembered.....Wait a minute....what am I doing?!! I have my darling Karleigh right here and I am not even paying attention to her!! It was as if I had dismissed the opportunity to spend with her because I was so focused on what I wanted to watch. Upon realizing this, I quickly knelt down, scooped her up and held her tight. We talked, she smiled - a lot, I looked into her crystal clear eyes, I told my friend things about her as I held her, I loved on her, I felt her touch and warmth.

It was not that long that I got to be in this dream holding my girl before I woke up. But the thing that aches today as I think about that dream is the fact that she was my warm (and alive) darling little girl - in a dream. She was filling my empty arms - in a dream. She was comforting my aching heart - in a dream. She was in a dream! Oh, how I wish I could have her here to hold today. Today it almost feels like I was holding her in my arms all night - like you know when you hold something for a long time and then you finally put it down and you still feel like you have it in your arms. That is how my arms feel. They feel like they should be holding her and taking care of her today.

It has been a while since I have had such a strong aching to hold her in my arms - for real. Of course there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her and long to hold her. But time has a way of helping make the ache of not holding her subside just a bit and accepting that I can't have what I want right now. But today, after my dream, the ache has returned a little stronger and I will just try to fill that ache with my other squishy kids and not dismiss the time I have with them - today, right now. I will try to not let it wait until after I am done with something that really isn't very important. (She was laughing as I tickled her in this picture. I love how she was intently looking at me as I tickled her. This is how she was in my dream last night, although I was the one holding her.)

I am grateful that I was able to have my sweet girl in a dream. After you loose someone, you long for the time when you get to have them in your arms again - even if it's just in a dream. At least I know I do. I have only had a handful of them and have been grateful for each of them. Dreams do bring the hurt back a little stronger and the longing to hold her a little more intense. But I guess that helps me to know that I really haven't forgotten everything. It also helps me to know that she really was here and I really did get the fabulous opportunity to care for one of Heavenly Father's choicest spirits! I long for the day to hold her in my arms and although I ache a little more today, I am grateful that I at least got to hold her in my arms - in my dream. I have longed for that too, and last night, that silent prayer was answered. I am grateful and blessed. My Karleigh is beautiful and is my angel. I love you, sweet girl.