7 Years Ago

Has it just come to be expected that I do a blog post on my sweet Karleigh in April and October?  Maybe.  And that somewhat bothers me, but yet, not really.  For one, it always seems to help me deal with things better when I write about it - even if no one is reading this.  Two, she's my own flesh and blood - my daughter.  How can I not?  Three, someday I hope the thoughts and feelings I write about will someday help my children through their own trials and heartache.  And I hope that they will know that even though their mom is definetely not perfect - that she is trying her best to hold tight to the things she KNOWS to be true and that they will never question her love for them or their sister in heaven. 

Today has been an interesting day.  It started out as any other normal day (with the exception of not getting to the gym this AM because of a repairman scheduled to come and Chris being out of town).  Waking up early with Dallin and Zach.  Getting Zach off to school, Chloe up, ready and out to the bus, Dallin back down for a nap and then Parker awake.  Parker woke up right as I was putting Dallin back to bed, so after laying Dalling in his crib, I scooped up Parker and we snuggled in my bed and talked and joked and laughed and tickled.  We soon called my mom so Parker could tell her that he decided to be a polar bear for the day.  We talked for a while and then it was time to get to work cleaning up the house while I waited for the repair guy. 

Usually the week before Karleigh's birthday or angel day, it seems to be harder than the actual day itself.  Maybe because the actual day, we are usually busy doing our traditional things that we do to remember her.  And maybe it is because the week before is harder because I am a sentimental, emotional person that remembers the "last time for" this or that. 

I've done really good all week at not dwelling on things.  Maybe that is because I have been a single mom all week while Chris is away on business.  After being frustrated with some things today, the emotions started to surface and the "last time's for" started to come back.  I had many conversations with my Heavenly Father today.  I asked many times for support to help me not dwell on things too much so that I could function better as a mom. 

At about lunch time, the tears decided they needed to be released while I was making mine and Parker's lunch.  My sweet boy saw my sadness and asked if I was ok and what was wrong.  I said, "Sometimes I just really miss Karleigh," as I sat down next to him for lunch.  He stood up and came over to me with outstretched arms and gave me a huge hug and stayed there hugging me until I was done.  That is big for this busy 3 year old!  He said, "Mom, someday we will get to go up to heaven and see Karleigh again."  Such a sweet boy and just what I needed. 

Rocking Dallin for his afternoon nap did me in again.  I finally had peace and quiet away from the busyness of 4 kids and was left alone in my thoughts.  The "ugly" crying surfaced (luckily Dallin was able to sleep through it).  Hard.  Yes, it was hard.

My mom says I do very well at not letting on that I am sad or having a hard time.  I guess I would have to agree with her.  Maybe that is why I often do better at typing my feelings out.  I am able to express them without the sympathy look, or the judgmental and critical eye, or the "just have faith" attitude.  Because truth is, I do have faith.  I do believe and KNOW that I will see my beautiful daughter again.  I do believe and KNOW that I have a loving Savior that has carried all my heartache.  I know all these things and more. 

But just like I told Heavenly Father today. . .

It . Still . Hurts.  She is my daughter.  I love her.  I miss her.  I always will.  It is just a plain old, hard fact about the story of my life.  I will always grieve my daughter's death and miss what "could have been."

But I will always hold firm to my knowledge that I WILL see her again and that someday, her beautiful spirit will be reunited with her body - only this time, she will be whole.  She will not hurt.  She will not struggle.  She will be free and WHOLE!  What a glorious blessing - for her and for her mama that loves her so very much. 

7 Years Ago Today

7 years ago today

I buckled you in to your carseat

to make yet another hour trip to Denver

to see your pediatrician.

A sick little girl you were,

but while at the doctors office,

you decided it was ok to perk up -

a funny little trick you liked to pull

X-ray's were done to make sure no pneumonia

Stumped as to what was wrong

We were sent on our way

to take you home to recover from yet another "virus."

7 years ago tonight

I dressed you for bed

You were so sad and felt so sick

I wanted to help you and stop the hurt

I cried on the phone as I asked Grandma Stimpson for ideas

Of what could be wrong

7 years ago tonight

I held you in my arms

You cried for a bit and then finally calmed

Your round little head and your curly locks

snuggled close the way that we rocked.

With feeding pump running

and medicine given

I cried as I rocked you

and stroked your pink chubby cheeks.

7 years ago tonight

I said a prayer

It is the prayer that has given me strength

to endure this life without you here

"Heavenly Father, if it's always going to be this way -

if she's always going to be sick -

Don't make her do it anymore!

Don't make her go through this anymore.

Let her come home.

Let her be free of this pain. Please."

7 years ago tonight

I never imagined

that my prayer would be answered

in the way that it was.

7 years ago

I rocked your beautiful self

until you were sound asleep.

Many tears were shed as I thought and prayed

and stroked your hair, and face and body.

7 years ago

was the last time I rocked you.

7 years ago...

was The.Last.Time.

7 years ago tomorrow

You bravely endured

the final step in your mortal journey

You let me be the one to look in your eyes for the very last time

before they were closed for good.

7 years ago tomorrow

You bravely went home.

Home to our Father who gave you life.

Home to our Savior who carried your burdens.

7 years ago tomorrow

You stayed near

to your mom and your dad and your big brother, Zach

Heaven was not far

and you were felt oh so close

as you wrapped your arms around us to comfort our pain.

7 years ago tomorrow

You became my (our) gaurdian angel.

You started a new chapter in your life's story

One that I've always been sure includes helping many others

in their earthly struggles and challenges.

7 years ago tomorrow

You physically left us

But 7 years ago tomorrow

You passed your earthly test.

I am sure you heard the words from our Father above,

"Well done, my valiant child.  Well done."

7 years ago tomorrow

I never thought I would feel happiness again.

That I would be able to breathe

without it literally being a struggle.

7 years later

You haven't left your mother's side.

You are still near

and continue to teach me.

7 years ago I was literally carried

by my Savior, Jesus Christ,

who was The.Only.One who knew my pain.

7 years ago tomorrow

I knew without a shadow of a doubt

That prayers are heard and answered,

even in unexpected ways.

I love you, sweet girl.

Work hard and stay near.

I need all the help I can get.

Forever,

Your Mom