One trigger on my list....

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately on what some of the triggers have been this time around for my going downhill on this rollercoaster of grief. I have done this thinking before, and there are many times where there really is no trigger that I can pinpoint. It just simply happens and I get through it and move on. This time, I think there are actually a lot of triggers that have caused it, but it took a lot of thinking and contemplating before I have understood and noticed them. I don't even know if I am noticing them all either.

There is one, though, in the big long list in my head that I wanted to write down. I have been really trying to get Chloe to stay in her bed at night. For about the last 8 months of being pregnant, I have gotten up 1-2 times a night to go to the bathroom, and then many of those times, I lay awake for quite a long time before being about to fall back asleep. It is tiring, sometimes exhausting, but I am sure not as tiring as it will be in another month or so when I have another little one to keep me up at night.

Chloe has been potty trained now for about 8 months, with the exception of night times. We tried it and I was sick and tired of washing bed sheets, so I decided she wasn't quite ready for the night time part of it. No big deal, right? Well, she now has been waking up when she needs to go to the bathroom at night, (most of the time) but she doesn't think she can do it by herself and then get back in bed. The problem is....when she wakes up, she either hollors for me, or starts crying and screaming. She wakes Zach and I up (lucky Chris can sleep right through it!!). Anyway - I got this bright idea that I needed to get her to figure it all out before the baby is born so that I don't have 2 kids waking me up at night. I bought her some more pull-ups and totally talked it up about what she should do (quitely get up, take care of buisness and get back in bed and pull her covers up) and that she would be such a big girl. And then of course, throw in a treat on top of it....she would get a starburst in the morning if she could do it without screaming and waking everyone up.

The other night, I was sleeping soundly when all the sudden, I hear my little 2 1/2 year old screaming and crying to go to the bathroom. I hollored back for her to get up and go and stop screaming. She did, but then had to bring me her pj's to help get back on. I put them back on and then asked her to go get in bed by herself. Then the crying started again. She wanted to lay by me for a bit. I don't know about you, but in the middle of the night when I am not fully awake and someone is screaming in my ear, it is so hard to be patient. I unfortunately got upset with her and sent her back in her room anyway - not so nicely.

Now here is where this is all going (sorry that little story turned into quite the explanation). As I lay there after she went back to bed, I felt horrible. I had just totally gotten upset with my sweet little girl and she went back to bed feeling so sad and alone. I know there comes a time where they have to learn to do that, but that night really hit me hard. I lay there almost in tears, now fully awake not able to go back to sleep, thinking about how my little Chloe must be feeling. As I laid there, I prayed to know what to do. I prayed and apologized for being a mean mom. I prayed for comfort because I certainly couldn't get back to sleep.

I laid there for about an hour. It was not long before I felt comforted by the Spirit. I also felt that Karleigh was near. But I had many different memories and different feelings come over me. One thing that I have LOVED since Zach was a baby, was to have my kids snuggle with me in my bed. I love to just stare at their profile as they lay sleeping on the bed next to me. I can still picture Zach as a baby with his little button nose. I thought about how Chloe has loved to come and snuggle next to Chris and I, and then felt very selfish that because I wanted a little bit of extra sleep, I made her feel like crap. (so in return, that extra sleep I wanted never happened) I thought about how Zach used to be such a cuddler and gave the best hugs and kisses. Now he is growing up and is almost too cool for that. But where have those years gone? He will be turning 9 in May!! I thought about how Chloe will soon get to that stage where she will be "too cool" for that....maybe not. But I don't want to take my chances of giving it up now.

Then many thoughts came of Karleigh. I remembered holding her all through the night. She would wake up over 10 - 15 times a night - almost every night - most of her 2 1/2 years on earth. Yes, there were many nights that I couldn't handle it - just like this night with Chloe. But I remembered holding her and cuddling with her and helping her feel safe and secure so that she could go back to sleep. I remembered the night before she passed and the time we spent rocking in the rocking chair to help her calm down enough to go to sleep. I can't do that anymore. I can not rock my little Karleigh and snuggle with her. I can't make her feel like she is more important than those extra minutes of sleep. I can't stare at her face and soak it in anymore. I can't bring her in bed with me anymore and hold her close, as that was sometimes the only thing she wanted and then would sleep all night. I can't whisper the I love you's in her ear and tell her how wonderful she is anymore.

So then I thought about my sweet little Chloe that had just gone back to her bed feeling totally awful and sad. And the thought came to me.....It isn't worth it! The feelings that I have caused in her tonight are not worth it! If something were to happen unexpectedly like they did with Karleigh, is this what I want her or me to remember? If I were taken tonight after sending her to bed feeling so miserable - that would be her last memory of me - the last thing she remembers. And, let me tell you - she has one heck of a memory!! (As I sat in her room rocking her in the morning, I apologized to her for getting upset with her through the night. She then reminded me of all the things I said and how upset I was with her and how sad she was!) I thought about the way I treat both my kids and my husband and how they or I could be taken in an instant. Have I acted today in a way that I would be ok leaving them with as their last memory of me? Not just today, but EVERY day?

Let me tell you, I have a lot of work to do!!! I hope that they know just how much they mean to me and just how much I am trying to be a good mom/wife for them. I hope they know by my actions how much I love them - not just by my words. I hope that I am a good friend and a good support to those around me. I hope that I can give more service and be a better person.

The next night, I told Chloe if she woke up, she could quitely come and tell me (without screaming) she needed to go to the bathroom and then I would tuck her back in her bed. (occasionally I will let her still snuggle by me) She woke up and did exactly that. I put her back in her bed with kisses and hugs and I love you's and went back to my bed and fell asleep quickly. That next morning she got her starburst and didn't have any "mean mommy" stories to tell me. =)

I know things are different with every kid and every family. We all tolerate different things. But for me, I may just not get a full nights sleep for quite a while. I hope on those nights where I want to just scream and tell everyone to let me sleep - I will remember this night. I will remember that I won't have my kids as kids for very long and that I want them to know at all times how much I love them. I don't want to take for granted the little precious times that I have with my kids (and husband) becuase there will come a day when I/they won't have each other here anymore. So, if Heavenly Father chooses to bless me with those special times in the middle of the night, I hope I will be more willing to grab hold of them and soak them in - despite my tiredness.