Thoughts...

Needing to write...needing to unload...needing to - - I simply don't know...

Where do I begin though?  What thoughts do I share?  What feelings do I trust releasing? 

Plainly put - life is hard.  It is at times overwhelming.  And sometimes, the weight of it all seems too much to bare.

Sometimes, I get angry at the trials I have in my life.  It takes a while to understand them and to realize the good behind the suffering.  Sometimes, I am humbled by my trials.  Ultimately, I think that is what I should be doing with all of my trials - humbling myself enough to really listen and find out what Heavenly Father is trying to teach me and why He is trying to teach me it.

I haven't done the best with the humbling part lately.  I have been in more of the "angry" mode for a while.  There just sometimes seems to be so many obstacles and so many times I feel that I do not do a good enough job.  I often feel that I slip up so often and then I am always pulling myself back together. 

I was grateful for General Conference this weekend and the words that were spoken.  I was grateful to feel the Spirit, even though at times, it was a struggle to let myself "feel" it.  I know that there were many words spoken straight to my heart and mind and that there is a specific message that Heavenly Father was directing towards me. 

I think it will take a lifetime to understand all the reasons why Heavenly Father has entrusted me with so many trials.  And I say entrusted for a reason.  He is trusting me to make the wise choice.  Trusting me to do all I can to be humble enough to move forward in faith through all that is thrown at me.

Someday, I hope to learn how to do it with more grace and less anger.  Someday, I hope to be humble enough to fully appreciate my trials along with all my blessings. 

One thing that I have always remembered through all that I go through, and something that quite literally keeps me afloat often - especially now...is the knowledge I have of my loving Savior, Jesus Christ.  Knowing that He felt my pain and knowing that He knows exactly why I feel sad, angry, lonely or defeated - is what keeps me going.  Just knowing that there really is someone who understands, when quite frankly, no one else can.  Just as I can not understand completely what trials others have, simply because they are their trials - not mine.  I can do my best to understand and have empathy, but I can not fully understand.  For me, knowing my Savior truly does understand simply because He loved me enough to suffer and die for me.  He wanted to give me the opportunity to return to my Heavenly home.  To Him, I am eternally indebted and I pray that I will learn to more humbly endure my trials. 

(The tulips were given to me last night by Chris.  Perfect colors for this time of year, eh?)

(and please know I do not write this post to get sympathy from those who read it.  I simply needed to get a few feelings out.)