15 minutes.
15 minutes is all it takes to drive from my house to here.
I love it here.
Today the weather was supposed to be near perfect.
Partly sunny and in the upper 70's. Near perfect it was!
So, Zach helped me pack a lunch and we headed to the
lighthouse / Fort Williams Park for an afternoon of playing and being together outside. Just the kids and I - all 4 of them - by myself! (yes, I still surprise myself that I have 4 little people running around, well 3 running - one snoozing! So I tend to "remind" myself of the fact that they really do ALL belong to me! It is still a strange reality to me.)
We had a picnic, ran around, swung on the swings, threw rocks in the ocean, played hide n' seek in the old bunkers built into the side of the coast, and then headed to a local ice cream shack for a treat. Fun day!
The kids went down by the water and I stayed up on the hill with Dallin who was snoozing. The kids were having a blast and being such wonderful buddies down there by the water. Zach is such a fabulous brother and was taking such good care of both of the kids - mainly Parker.
While I stood there on the hill, watching my kids throw rocks in the ocean, I listened to their faint laughter and watched their cute little selves heave rocks out to sea. I got lost in my thoughts for a bit as I watched them. I thought of what a wonderful memory they will have when they are older and think back of their time living in Maine, right by the coast! It is beautiful here in the summer! Simply beautiful! I am grateful that my little people have this beautiful place to tuck into their memory bank.
One thought I had as I watched them was how grateful I was that I was their mom! They really do try my patience some days, but days like today just make it all seem better. Watching them care for each other and help each other is so fulfilling to me. Seeing them smile and enjoy the simple, little things in life, just make me so happy. And I am trying to show them that more.
You see, 5 weeks ago, I delivered baby number 5 - cute little Dallin. And with that delivery, came an onset of post partum depression like I had never experienced. (I feel ok sharing this because I know that this is a common thing and there is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of because it was out of my control) I usually get down for a bit after having a baby, but this was different. So different I could even feel the "difference" less than an hour after giving birth - all though, not knowing what it was exactly that I was feeling.
I finally pinpointed it about a week and a half after Dallin's birth. They were feelings of not wanting to be a mom, or a wife and not being able to enjoy our sweet little baby like I knew I could. It scared me to death! The very fact that the things I have strived for so long to be - a wife and mom - did not seem appealing to me anymore, scared me. I knew something was wrong. I cried and sobbed and cried. I snapped at them right and left - especially my husband. I felt horrible for doing it and knew it was not what I wanted to be doing, but yet - out it came. It was an awful feeling! I still feel so horrible for being that way...and still that way today sometimes. I hated the fact that I knew I should be savoring every little minute with my precious newborn straight from heaven, but yet, I couldn't. And I hated knowing that he would soon be big and I would never get those moments back.
I knew I couldn't keep doing this and feeling this way and that my kids and husband didn't deserve such a grumpy, mean and sad mom and wife. So, I called my OB at 1 1/2 weeks out from delivery and asked for help. He started me on a low dose of medicine and said that I should feel the effects of it within the next day. And you know what, he was right! I did not feel so crazy. My kids and husband didn't drive me nuts over nothing. The anxiousness and craziness and saddness I felt so strongly were lessening and I was functioning better. I noticed smiles on my face more and I caught myself having tickling sessions again with Parker and Chloe. It wasn't an overnight fix, and I still feel it some days, but I am feeling more "myself" and the big thing is - I am enjoying being a wife and mom more and more everyday! And I'm grateful.
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So, that is why watching and getting joy and satisfaction over the little things I saw my children do today was such a big deal to me today. I am indeed grateful for the deeper clarity I recieved today that being a mom is definetely what I want to be doing with my life right now. Helping these little people enjoy their childhood and getting to witness their joy firsthand, is such a gift to me. I truly am grateful for my children. I truly am grateful for the love they show me and each other. I hope that I can be a better mom to them and that the areas I struggle with will be made up to them somehow. They truly are sweet and darling kids!
(I'll try to post more pictures of our day later)
