Celebrating your beautiful life...

Darling Karleigh,

April 14th is always a bittersweet day for our family.  It is the day you returned home - a home far more beautiful than I can even comprehend.  A home that feels so far away, but yet so close.  A home that I long to be someday.  A home that I pray will welcome me home and there I will be greeted with your beautiful face.  I look forward to that day.  I look forward to the time when I hold you close again.

It is a day that often has many mixed emotions.  Actually, quite honestly, there are mixed emotions for many days.  This year's anniversary has come at a time when life has thrown me a few too many curve balls.  I have struggled to feel in control of my emotions.  I have struggled to feel that I am keeping my head above water.

(Statue from Grandma Brammer after your passing)

But through all that has been going on, I truly have felt you near.  I have felt the uplifting arms that only a precious angel can give.  I feel in my heart that Heavenly Father often blesses me with help from my sweet daughter up above.  I know there are probably many times that you are there helping me and I am too focused on other things and don't even realize it.  Thank you for not loosing faith in your very imperfect mother!

So today, the kids and I celebrated your life together.  Daddy felt he needed to remember it in other ways, which is ok.  One thing I have learned is that we all need to sometimes deal with things in our own way - and we need to be sensitive to that.  So I want to record what the kids and I did to celebrate your life. 

A few days ago, I wasn't thinking of it that way - a celebration.  I was too focused on the pain of you not being here and also trying to keep the awfulness of the actual happenings of this day from resurfacing.  But then your beautiful Grandma and Grandpa Clay and Aunt Joy helped to remind me of what I should be focusing on and what I/we try to focus on every year - Your beautiful life.  This package from Grandma, Grandpa and Joy came at just the right time and I am so grateful for it.

So, this morning, Chloe, Parker and I went and bought some indoor flowers.  If you remember, I love to garden and plant flowers on your anniversaries, but it is not quite planting time here in Maine.  So, we will get to enjoy your flowers indoors this year until I can get outside to plant some for you.

When Zach got home from school, we headed to the store to pick up balloons and then each wrote you a little note.  The kids were so excited to send you a message!  And what a better spot to do it than the lighthouse and ocean!  Beautiful - just like you! (although very windy!)

Well...Parker was excited until his balloon to you didn't come back!  Then he got pretty sad and said, "Can Karleigh bring me my balloon back?  I want to have my balloon back!"  So if you are able to swing that one, it would be very much appreciated for this sweet little 2 year old!

After sending you our notes, we drove back down the hill where it wasn't quite so windy and had a chilly picnic dinner.  We had lots of seagulls flying overhead waiting for us to drop food so they could swarm and fight each other for a little crumb when we left.  They sure can be loud little buggers!

As we ate, we had this view!  Beautiful!  Zach told the younger kids some of his favorite memories of you.  They were how everytime you were in your carseat in the van, and he was getting in - you would demand in your own funny and loud way that he give you a hug - no exceptions!  After he did, you would usually laugh and we could leave.  If he didn't, you would be so sad and would gladly let him (and the rest of us) know it!

The other memory he told about was when our dog, Mickey would come into the room that you were in and you would immediately light up and get so excited!  You would start to squeal and laugh and squirm like crazy!

(Please all those that continue on with the next picture...remember...pregnancy doesn't do good things to me!  Swelling, weight gain, puffiness...etc.  I simply decided to post this picture because I want it included in our family blog book.  So I am sucking up my pride and posting it!!  Oh, and also...I only have a little over 4 weeks left since I am going a week early!)

After eating, the kids went and tried to throw rocks in the water.  It was actually a lot further away than this picture shows.

We then went and swung for a bit and ran around on the field to keep warm...or shall I say, the kids ran around! 

After playing around for a while, we walked down closer to the water and they were able to actually get the rocks into the water.  We stayed for a bit, but got pretty cold and the water started to get too close with big waves, so we headed home to watch a movie together.

When we got home, I opened a package from your Aunt Marci.  Inside I found a very beautifully written letter for the reason behind this beautiful water globe she sent for your anniversary.  It says, "Never Lose Hope."

So beautiful, just like you.  Just like your life.  Just like your special aunt.  So kind and thoughtful.

You have been blessed to have an amazing extended family!  Your Grandpa and Grandma Stimpson were going to bring you flowers today and clean your headstone for me, but then mother nature decided to drop some snow today.  So, they will do it hopefully next week when the weather is better.  Your Grandma and Grandpa Clay and Aunt Joy bought flowers to remember you and also sent balloons and notes to you in heaven.  Aunt Julianne and Uncle Ryan took some pink tulips to a sweet older lady that lost her child years ago to help brighten her day.  I recieved many texts, messages and thoughts shared in remembrance of you and your beautiful life.  I know there were many others, family and friends, that thought of you a lot today.  I am grateful that you have touched so many people's lives and that your memory lives on.  I am grateful to so many loved ones that think of you and remember your life.  I am even so very grateful for all those that think of you and I don't even know it - because I know there are many.

So on this 6th anniversary of your returning home to the loving arms our Savior, Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven, I hope you were able to see and feel how much you are loved and missed every.single.day!  I hope you were able to see and feel what an impact your life was on so many - especially your family. 

We miss you.  I am grateful that the missing and pain of you being gone is not as intense and overwhelming as it was years ago.  There are still times when I just curl up in my bed and sob and long to hold my sweet, precious angel.  There are still times when out of the blue it hits me all over again - you really are not here - I really do have to live my life without you here to hold and love.  But how grateful I am that you do not have to endure the pain and struggles that your beautiful little body was born with.  Thank you for enduring your trials with such grace because it surely taught me a huge example of enduring to the end and making a choice to be happy despite struggles and pain.  You truly exemplified that in your short little life.  Your smile and laughter will forever be engrained in my memory.  Thank you for being willing to come to this earth and endure all the pains of your physical body so that you could teach me, your family and so many others how to be.  Thank you for being near when I feel weak and for loving me.  You are not only my beautiful daughter, but my beautiful friend.

I love you, sweet Karleigh Ann.  May you always know how much you are loved.  May you always know how much you are missed every single day.  I pray you will always be near.  I pray you will have other angels in heaven lifting you up as you lift your struggling and imperfect mom, because I know it is not an easy task.

I love you with all my heart.

Officially 5...

We had a nice little family birthday celebration tonight for Chloe.  She will get to have her very first "friend" party on Saturday.  I guess I better get crackin' on the party plans!

Her birthday cake...yes, I know do not have much talent in the cake decorating area.  She wanted a strawberry cake with strawberries on top.  Oh...and flowers and a sunshine and grass...and a few more things on the list that I can't remember.  I finally just decided for the sake of time...plus my sanity, that this was as good as it was going to get!

And her favorite gift of all...a new bike!  She is determined to show me that it is not too big for her like I suggested!  Since it hadn't been ridden outside before, she got lucky enough to ride it round and round the house for a bit.

Happy 5th Birthday, Chloe!  We all love you very, very much!!

Lovin' the 5 years!!

Wow!  How time surely does fly!!!  I still can not believe this little darling daughter of mine is 5 years old today!  It really does blow my mind!  It is almost like I blinked and then bam...she's big and ready for school!  I am amazed at how much fiestiness, happiness, compassion, love, beauty, and caring such a skinny little person can be filled with - - oh, and let's not forget a bit of sass!

The day of Chloe's birth is one to never forget.  How can I?  It was beautiful, but extremely rough all within a few minutes of each other.  She was due 2 days before the 1st anniversary of her older sister's passing.  2 days!  That was too much for me and my fabulous OB agreed.  She let me be induced a week early so that I could separate the dates a bit more.  How grateful I am for her compassion in that regard.  I was still very numb from Karleigh's passing.  My grief and missing of my darling daughter was still so very strong.  Helping my darling almost 6 year old Zach who was missing his sister cope with her loss and missing my traveling husband was, at times, more than I could bare.

We had just moved 5 weeks prior to Chloe's birth from Colorado to Indiana.  I knew no one, except brief introductions to a few people at church...oh, and my OB.  Chris was traveling Monday thru Friday every week from the very first week we moved there as a consultant.  We moved from a house to an apartment where we lived for 7 months while we searched for a new home to buy/build.  And...we had had a 90% outside dog, that now got to be 100% inside dog...who wasn't trained to go to the bathroom on a leash!  To say that it was a hard time would be an understatement. 

One thing I knew for sure though when this little girl baby in my belly decided to come...her middle name would be HOPE.  I knew from the moment that we found out we were having a girl...she would bring me back the hope that I had been missing.  The hope that was buried with her older sister.  The hope that I would ever be happy again.  And HOPE she has been.

Her birth was so anticipated!  I longed to hold a precious little girl for a year!  The induction and delivery went as smooth as could be expected.  She was tiny (6 lb 14 oz).  Right after she came out, Chris and I were oohing and aahhing at her while they were wiping her down, commenting on how she looked like Karleigh, amazed with her full head of black, curly hair - all while my dr was finishing up the post delivery stuff...or so I thought.  I stopped long enough to ask my OB how the placenta looked because although we didn't know it at Karleigh's birth and for a long time afterwards, it was the first sign we had that something was wrong with her. 

My OB just briefly looked up at me worried and calmly said something like, "I don't know, I am trying to get your bleeding to stop."  Immediately after her saying that, I felt like throwing up.  The nurses came rushing over and started mashing on my belly...and I say mashing for a reason!  It was extremely painful.  I felt lightheaded and like I was going to pass out.  They gave me some oxygen...I think.  The room was filled with scurring nurses, someone drawing blood and just chaos.  Chris and my mom (who I invited in for Chloe's delivery) looked worried.  My mom said the dr. was shoving handfuls of meds up me, trying to get my uterus to contract.  It wouldn't.  She finally looked at me and said, "Ok.  If I can't get your bleeding to stop, I have two choices.  I can put a stitch around your uterus and manually contract it down, or do a hysterectomy...let's go!"  And off I went as they rushed me to the operating room where I was knocked out so they could save my life. 

Obviously, they got the bleeding stopped without doing anything drastic.  I recieved 2 units of blood and my dr. was scared to death that I would get an infection.  I didn't and she was absolutely astonished.  All of my IV lines kept blowing, which made her even more scared because if I did have any more problems, she didn't have quick access through an IV.  But, I was blessed to pull through it just fine and after a few weeks of feeling like I had the flu (from the blood transfusion) and mourning Karleigh's loss...I was on to healing and moving on.  And so much of that has to do with my darling new baby that had brought so much HOPE back into my life.

This darling Chloe girl that I love so dearly has been such a blessing in my life!!  She truly does bring happiness into our home and I feel so blessed that nothing more serious happened in her delivery.  I feel so blessed that she has been so healthy and that I had the opportunity to go through all of her "firsts" that I missed so much with Karleigh.  I am so grateful that she is still my girl-girl and loves to be my buddy.  I will have such a hard time letting her go to ALL-day kindergarten in the fall!!  Auughh...I hate the thought of it!!  But I am excited for the excitement she has about it. 

Happy Birthday, darling Chloe! 

I love every part of you and am so thankful that I am your mom!!  I hope I will live up to the task of raising you properly and helping you become all you can be!  I love you with all my heart! 

Thoughts...

Needing to write...needing to unload...needing to - - I simply don't know...

Where do I begin though?  What thoughts do I share?  What feelings do I trust releasing? 

Plainly put - life is hard.  It is at times overwhelming.  And sometimes, the weight of it all seems too much to bare.

Sometimes, I get angry at the trials I have in my life.  It takes a while to understand them and to realize the good behind the suffering.  Sometimes, I am humbled by my trials.  Ultimately, I think that is what I should be doing with all of my trials - humbling myself enough to really listen and find out what Heavenly Father is trying to teach me and why He is trying to teach me it.

I haven't done the best with the humbling part lately.  I have been in more of the "angry" mode for a while.  There just sometimes seems to be so many obstacles and so many times I feel that I do not do a good enough job.  I often feel that I slip up so often and then I am always pulling myself back together. 

I was grateful for General Conference this weekend and the words that were spoken.  I was grateful to feel the Spirit, even though at times, it was a struggle to let myself "feel" it.  I know that there were many words spoken straight to my heart and mind and that there is a specific message that Heavenly Father was directing towards me. 

I think it will take a lifetime to understand all the reasons why Heavenly Father has entrusted me with so many trials.  And I say entrusted for a reason.  He is trusting me to make the wise choice.  Trusting me to do all I can to be humble enough to move forward in faith through all that is thrown at me.

Someday, I hope to learn how to do it with more grace and less anger.  Someday, I hope to be humble enough to fully appreciate my trials along with all my blessings. 

One thing that I have always remembered through all that I go through, and something that quite literally keeps me afloat often - especially now...is the knowledge I have of my loving Savior, Jesus Christ.  Knowing that He felt my pain and knowing that He knows exactly why I feel sad, angry, lonely or defeated - is what keeps me going.  Just knowing that there really is someone who understands, when quite frankly, no one else can.  Just as I can not understand completely what trials others have, simply because they are their trials - not mine.  I can do my best to understand and have empathy, but I can not fully understand.  For me, knowing my Savior truly does understand simply because He loved me enough to suffer and die for me.  He wanted to give me the opportunity to return to my Heavenly home.  To Him, I am eternally indebted and I pray that I will learn to more humbly endure my trials. 

(The tulips were given to me last night by Chris.  Perfect colors for this time of year, eh?)

(and please know I do not write this post to get sympathy from those who read it.  I simply needed to get a few feelings out.)

On the road again...

Well...a get-away was calling my name!  Zach had a week off of school in February (Maine-ers ski break), and I needed a break from reality and life.  So I decided to be brave and drive by myself with my 3 kids to Raleigh to visit my parents and sister.  I seem to do these solo-with-children trips every year or so (remember last years trip all the way from Arizona to Raleigh!). 

(Playing at the park close to Mom and Dad's house)

The only thing this time - I wasn't driving across no-man's land.  I was driving through huge, major and sometimes scary cities!  First Boston, then Hartford, then NEW YORK CITY (yeah, through the Bronx! yikes!), Newark, Philly, D.C., Richmond and finally into Raleigh!  It wasn't a snoozy boring trip (like driving through Kansas or Wyoming), that's for sure! We took 2 days to make the drive, staying overnight in a hotel in New Jersey.  Traffic went really good, except our final big city of Richmond.  That burst my "I am invincible" bubble and we sat in traffic for hours!  Dumb.  But we made it to Raleigh only 2 hours after the planned arrival time!  

My kids have become well-seasoned awesome travelers.  Yes, they still fight and are punks sometimes, but overall, they do great and don't require super frequent stops.  Zach gets to earn money for helping "babysit" the kids - nicely and happily - although, some trips he earns more than others...  It may or may not be due to the "nicely" part of the agreement.    

(Is he not the cutest little boy in glasses you have ever seen!  I'm biased, but man, he really is adorable! And so sweet too!)

The weather was beautiful and spring-y while we were there and we went to the park twice.  The first time, Joy had a day off school and got to come with us.  The second time, my dad took the day off work to spend time with us and got to play with us at the park (forgot my camera that day).  Grandpa pushes the merry-go-round pretty fast!

Love this picture...

Since we wouldn't be home to celebrate Parker's 2nd birthday, we had a little celebration with Chris the night before we left.  It was nothing big, but exciting for this cute little dude that got to open a few presents.  I am amazed that this big ball of cuteness is already 2!!!  Where did my baby time go with this little dude!?!?

Joy then planned a little family bbq / birthday party for the day after we got to Raleigh.  Grandpa bbq'd chicken on his charcoal grill, and mom made lots of other yummy food. (while we were there, he finally bought himself a gas grill!!  Go, Dad!)

Parker being a monkey on the balcony rails

And enjoying lots of tickle time with Grandma...one of his favorite things to do while we are there!!

 

Joy was so kind to invite her boy (that's a friend...or so she says...) so that we could meet him!  Cooper turned out to be quite a nice fella and even put up with my kids mauling him all night - literally!  They thought he was pretty fun...oh, and Joy too!  The kids and Joy and Cooper had a great time playing hide-n-seek all over Grandpa and Grandma's house...while I sat lazily on the couch and snapped some pictures!

Zach found some old crutches in one hiding spot...

Parker has been SO excited to turn two!  He loves to tell people his birthday.  He then will list off every one's birthday in the family!  Smart little dude! 

Now for the rest of the present opening...

And then the birthday cake...More excitement for Parker!  He LOVED having everyone sing Happy Birthday to him!  He loves to sing it to other people, so he felt pretty special that everyone was finally singing to him!

Happy 2nd Birthday little man!!  I sure do love your darling self and am so thankful for all the happiness you bring me!

My mom and I also took the kids downtown Raleigh to a little children's museum (that's free!!).  It was good for the kids to get out for a bit and see some fun animals.

And last...it wouldn't quite be a "normal" trip to Raleigh if we didn't ride on the go-carts!  Grandpa and Zach drove their own cars and Joy was nice enough to take Chloe.  Although, that turned out to be the best choice for Joy because they ended up smokin' everyone!! 

Can you tell she's excited?!

And their off!!!

Zach usually always gets a pretty speedy car.  But not that day!  He had quite the slow car and every lap, you could see his happy, fun-filled face changing and getting grumpier and more frustrated!  They all ended up lapping him, which just made him even more upset.  Poor Zach!  Not what he had in mind that day!  Oh well - ya win some, ya loose some!!

Poor little Parker had to sit out with me and watch everyone.  He was SO sad that he couldn't go ride with everyone!  He tried really hard to be tough, but that bottom - quivering lip just couldn't hold it in and he sat in tears most of the race.  I felt so bad for him!  Not fun being a little guy sometimes! 

Since he was so sad, I told him on the way home that he and Chloe could go ride their bikes and race around the garage!  After a bit of hesitation, he agreed that that sounded fun.  But even to this day, he still likes to remind us, "Do you 'member I got sad at the go-carts!"  (his is a little Radio Flyer um...thingy that he calls his horse!  It is probably his favorite birthday present!  Either that or the cool monster truck Joy gave him!)

I am grateful to have such good kids and grateful that they put up with me trapping them in the car for days to drive some where.  I am grateful that I am able to go when "break-time" from life is calling my name!  Plus super grateful that I could have others around to entertain my little people.  Really, a trip it isn't that much of a break because I am still taking care of my kids...and solo too (meaning Chris is not around).  But it is a break from the sometimes monotonous routine of being a stay-at-home mom.  Monotonous - yep, sometimes.  But worth it none the less!  Thanks, Mom and Dad and Joy, oh, and Sadie-dog, for letting us crash your place for a week!  We miss you lots and wish we could live closer!