Darling Karleigh,
April 14th is always a bittersweet day for our family. It is the day you returned home - a home far more beautiful than I can even comprehend. A home that feels so far away, but yet so close. A home that I long to be someday. A home that I pray will welcome me home and there I will be greeted with your beautiful face. I look forward to that day. I look forward to the time when I hold you close again.
It is a day that often has many mixed emotions. Actually, quite honestly, there are mixed emotions for many days. This year's anniversary has come at a time when life has thrown me a few too many curve balls. I have struggled to feel in control of my emotions. I have struggled to feel that I am keeping my head above water.
(Statue from Grandma Brammer after your passing)
But through all that has been going on, I truly have felt you near. I have felt the uplifting arms that only a precious angel can give. I feel in my heart that Heavenly Father often blesses me with help from my sweet daughter up above. I know there are probably many times that you are there helping me and I am too focused on other things and don't even realize it. Thank you for not loosing faith in your very imperfect mother!
So today, the kids and I celebrated your life together. Daddy felt he needed to remember it in other ways, which is ok. One thing I have learned is that we all need to sometimes deal with things in our own way - and we need to be sensitive to that. So I want to record what the kids and I did to celebrate your life.
A few days ago, I wasn't thinking of it that way - a celebration. I was too focused on the pain of you not being here and also trying to keep the awfulness of the actual happenings of this day from resurfacing. But then your beautiful Grandma and Grandpa Clay and Aunt Joy helped to remind me of what I should be focusing on and what I/we try to focus on every year - Your beautiful life. This package from Grandma, Grandpa and Joy came at just the right time and I am so grateful for it.
So, this morning, Chloe, Parker and I went and bought some indoor flowers. If you remember, I love to garden and plant flowers on your anniversaries, but it is not quite planting time here in Maine. So, we will get to enjoy your flowers indoors this year until I can get outside to plant some for you.
When Zach got home from school, we headed to the store to pick up balloons and then each wrote you a little note. The kids were so excited to send you a message! And what a better spot to do it than the lighthouse and ocean! Beautiful - just like you! (although very windy!)
Well...Parker was excited until his balloon to you didn't come back! Then he got pretty sad and said, "Can Karleigh bring me my balloon back? I want to have my balloon back!" So if you are able to swing that one, it would be very much appreciated for this sweet little 2 year old!
After sending you our notes, we drove back down the hill where it wasn't quite so windy and had a chilly picnic dinner. We had lots of seagulls flying overhead waiting for us to drop food so they could swarm and fight each other for a little crumb when we left. They sure can be loud little buggers!
As we ate, we had this view! Beautiful! Zach told the younger kids some of his favorite memories of you. They were how everytime you were in your carseat in the van, and he was getting in - you would demand in your own funny and loud way that he give you a hug - no exceptions! After he did, you would usually laugh and we could leave. If he didn't, you would be so sad and would gladly let him (and the rest of us) know it!
The other memory he told about was when our dog, Mickey would come into the room that you were in and you would immediately light up and get so excited! You would start to squeal and laugh and squirm like crazy!
(Please all those that continue on with the next picture...remember...pregnancy doesn't do good things to me! Swelling, weight gain, puffiness...etc. I simply decided to post this picture because I want it included in our family blog book. So I am sucking up my pride and posting it!! Oh, and also...I only have a little over 4 weeks left since I am going a week early!)
After eating, the kids went and tried to throw rocks in the water. It was actually a lot further away than this picture shows.
We then went and swung for a bit and ran around on the field to keep warm...or shall I say, the kids ran around!
After playing around for a while, we walked down closer to the water and they were able to actually get the rocks into the water. We stayed for a bit, but got pretty cold and the water started to get too close with big waves, so we headed home to watch a movie together.
When we got home, I opened a package from your Aunt Marci. Inside I found a very beautifully written letter for the reason behind this beautiful water globe she sent for your anniversary. It says, "Never Lose Hope."
So beautiful, just like you. Just like your life. Just like your special aunt. So kind and thoughtful.
You have been blessed to have an amazing extended family! Your Grandpa and Grandma Stimpson were going to bring you flowers today and clean your headstone for me, but then mother nature decided to drop some snow today. So, they will do it hopefully next week when the weather is better. Your Grandma and Grandpa Clay and Aunt Joy bought flowers to remember you and also sent balloons and notes to you in heaven. Aunt Julianne and Uncle Ryan took some pink tulips to a sweet older lady that lost her child years ago to help brighten her day. I recieved many texts, messages and thoughts shared in remembrance of you and your beautiful life. I know there were many others, family and friends, that thought of you a lot today. I am grateful that you have touched so many people's lives and that your memory lives on. I am grateful to so many loved ones that think of you and remember your life. I am even so very grateful for all those that think of you and I don't even know it - because I know there are many.
So on this 6th anniversary of your returning home to the loving arms our Savior, Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven, I hope you were able to see and feel how much you are loved and missed every.single.day! I hope you were able to see and feel what an impact your life was on so many - especially your family.
We miss you. I am grateful that the missing and pain of you being gone is not as intense and overwhelming as it was years ago. There are still times when I just curl up in my bed and sob and long to hold my sweet, precious angel. There are still times when out of the blue it hits me all over again - you really are not here - I really do have to live my life without you here to hold and love. But how grateful I am that you do not have to endure the pain and struggles that your beautiful little body was born with. Thank you for enduring your trials with such grace because it surely taught me a huge example of enduring to the end and making a choice to be happy despite struggles and pain. You truly exemplified that in your short little life. Your smile and laughter will forever be engrained in my memory. Thank you for being willing to come to this earth and endure all the pains of your physical body so that you could teach me, your family and so many others how to be. Thank you for being near when I feel weak and for loving me. You are not only my beautiful daughter, but my beautiful friend.
I love you, sweet Karleigh Ann. May you always know how much you are loved. May you always know how much you are missed every single day. I pray you will always be near. I pray you will have other angels in heaven lifting you up as you lift your struggling and imperfect mom, because I know it is not an easy task.
I love you with all my heart.
