7 Years Ago

Has it just come to be expected that I do a blog post on my sweet Karleigh in April and October?  Maybe.  And that somewhat bothers me, but yet, not really.  For one, it always seems to help me deal with things better when I write about it - even if no one is reading this.  Two, she's my own flesh and blood - my daughter.  How can I not?  Three, someday I hope the thoughts and feelings I write about will someday help my children through their own trials and heartache.  And I hope that they will know that even though their mom is definetely not perfect - that she is trying her best to hold tight to the things she KNOWS to be true and that they will never question her love for them or their sister in heaven. 

Today has been an interesting day.  It started out as any other normal day (with the exception of not getting to the gym this AM because of a repairman scheduled to come and Chris being out of town).  Waking up early with Dallin and Zach.  Getting Zach off to school, Chloe up, ready and out to the bus, Dallin back down for a nap and then Parker awake.  Parker woke up right as I was putting Dallin back to bed, so after laying Dalling in his crib, I scooped up Parker and we snuggled in my bed and talked and joked and laughed and tickled.  We soon called my mom so Parker could tell her that he decided to be a polar bear for the day.  We talked for a while and then it was time to get to work cleaning up the house while I waited for the repair guy. 

Usually the week before Karleigh's birthday or angel day, it seems to be harder than the actual day itself.  Maybe because the actual day, we are usually busy doing our traditional things that we do to remember her.  And maybe it is because the week before is harder because I am a sentimental, emotional person that remembers the "last time for" this or that. 

I've done really good all week at not dwelling on things.  Maybe that is because I have been a single mom all week while Chris is away on business.  After being frustrated with some things today, the emotions started to surface and the "last time's for" started to come back.  I had many conversations with my Heavenly Father today.  I asked many times for support to help me not dwell on things too much so that I could function better as a mom. 

At about lunch time, the tears decided they needed to be released while I was making mine and Parker's lunch.  My sweet boy saw my sadness and asked if I was ok and what was wrong.  I said, "Sometimes I just really miss Karleigh," as I sat down next to him for lunch.  He stood up and came over to me with outstretched arms and gave me a huge hug and stayed there hugging me until I was done.  That is big for this busy 3 year old!  He said, "Mom, someday we will get to go up to heaven and see Karleigh again."  Such a sweet boy and just what I needed. 

Rocking Dallin for his afternoon nap did me in again.  I finally had peace and quiet away from the busyness of 4 kids and was left alone in my thoughts.  The "ugly" crying surfaced (luckily Dallin was able to sleep through it).  Hard.  Yes, it was hard.

My mom says I do very well at not letting on that I am sad or having a hard time.  I guess I would have to agree with her.  Maybe that is why I often do better at typing my feelings out.  I am able to express them without the sympathy look, or the judgmental and critical eye, or the "just have faith" attitude.  Because truth is, I do have faith.  I do believe and KNOW that I will see my beautiful daughter again.  I do believe and KNOW that I have a loving Savior that has carried all my heartache.  I know all these things and more. 

But just like I told Heavenly Father today. . .

It . Still . Hurts.  She is my daughter.  I love her.  I miss her.  I always will.  It is just a plain old, hard fact about the story of my life.  I will always grieve my daughter's death and miss what "could have been."

But I will always hold firm to my knowledge that I WILL see her again and that someday, her beautiful spirit will be reunited with her body - only this time, she will be whole.  She will not hurt.  She will not struggle.  She will be free and WHOLE!  What a glorious blessing - for her and for her mama that loves her so very much. 

7 Years Ago Today

7 years ago today

I buckled you in to your carseat

to make yet another hour trip to Denver

to see your pediatrician.

A sick little girl you were,

but while at the doctors office,

you decided it was ok to perk up -

a funny little trick you liked to pull

X-ray's were done to make sure no pneumonia

Stumped as to what was wrong

We were sent on our way

to take you home to recover from yet another "virus."

7 years ago tonight

I dressed you for bed

You were so sad and felt so sick

I wanted to help you and stop the hurt

I cried on the phone as I asked Grandma Stimpson for ideas

Of what could be wrong

7 years ago tonight

I held you in my arms

You cried for a bit and then finally calmed

Your round little head and your curly locks

snuggled close the way that we rocked.

With feeding pump running

and medicine given

I cried as I rocked you

and stroked your pink chubby cheeks.

7 years ago tonight

I said a prayer

It is the prayer that has given me strength

to endure this life without you here

"Heavenly Father, if it's always going to be this way -

if she's always going to be sick -

Don't make her do it anymore!

Don't make her go through this anymore.

Let her come home.

Let her be free of this pain. Please."

7 years ago tonight

I never imagined

that my prayer would be answered

in the way that it was.

7 years ago

I rocked your beautiful self

until you were sound asleep.

Many tears were shed as I thought and prayed

and stroked your hair, and face and body.

7 years ago

was the last time I rocked you.

7 years ago...

was The.Last.Time.

7 years ago tomorrow

You bravely endured

the final step in your mortal journey

You let me be the one to look in your eyes for the very last time

before they were closed for good.

7 years ago tomorrow

You bravely went home.

Home to our Father who gave you life.

Home to our Savior who carried your burdens.

7 years ago tomorrow

You stayed near

to your mom and your dad and your big brother, Zach

Heaven was not far

and you were felt oh so close

as you wrapped your arms around us to comfort our pain.

7 years ago tomorrow

You became my (our) gaurdian angel.

You started a new chapter in your life's story

One that I've always been sure includes helping many others

in their earthly struggles and challenges.

7 years ago tomorrow

You physically left us

But 7 years ago tomorrow

You passed your earthly test.

I am sure you heard the words from our Father above,

"Well done, my valiant child.  Well done."

7 years ago tomorrow

I never thought I would feel happiness again.

That I would be able to breathe

without it literally being a struggle.

7 years later

You haven't left your mother's side.

You are still near

and continue to teach me.

7 years ago I was literally carried

by my Savior, Jesus Christ,

who was The.Only.One who knew my pain.

7 years ago tomorrow

I knew without a shadow of a doubt

That prayers are heard and answered,

even in unexpected ways.

I love you, sweet girl.

Work hard and stay near.

I need all the help I can get.

Forever,

Your Mom

Easter in Pictures

My sister, Mindi and her husband Ryan brought their darling kids to our house for the Easter weekend.  We had lots of fun with them and were so glad they made the drive to be with us! 

 Here are pictures from our Easter fun!

(someday I will figure out why my camera keeps taking fuzzy pictures...)

 (do you think my soon-to-be 12 year old might just be getting too big for his froggie easter basket?!  haha!  This is what he thinks of it...)

 (maybe he is just getting too big for the Easter Bunny!)

 We love our cousins!!  Thanks for coming!  Happy Easter!

Sleepy baby

Testing a blog post done on my phone. Guess I shouldn't have done it with the flash in little baby's sleepy eyes. He got mad at me. All is well now and I'm rocking his limp, sleepy body to sleep. I am thankful I'm his mom!

Little Person

 This is my darling "Little Person,"

or "Baby,"

or "Little Baby," or "Whittle Baby," or "Baby Boy,"

 or "I can do whatever I want because I am cute!" baby.

This is my ADORABLE and SWEET and DARLING Dallin Baby!

Man, he is a beautiful little guy!

You see...not too long ago he looked like this...

How in the world could he possibly look almost like a little boy ALREADY!

Seriously!  I just gave birth to him, right?  (Not to mention his older sister whom just turned 6 today...which I'll post about later)

Where is his baby-hood going?  When did he get permission to grow so dang fast?!

(Taken Monday on our hike - yes...they are all kind of crusty)

 Chris and I make comments to each other every week about how much bigger he is looking and acting than the previous week.  I think that we have always recognized this in all of our children.  But this time it is even more bittersweet.  And what's interesting is that it has been even more bitter than sweet for Chris than it has been for me.  I am usually always the one that mourns our babies growing up the most.

I am not so sad that he is growing because I am thinking of all the fun things we will get to do with him soon.  I am just sad that it is going by SO fast.  And that life has seemed so crazy and foggy since he was born (well, actually before he was born), that I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy his baby-hood quite as much.  A large part of it has been due to the post-partum depression I dealt with (to which I'm thankfully done with now! Now if someone could make a cure for PMS...I would love you forever - - oh, and so would Chris!)  I told Chris that when Dallin is out-growing age 2-3, I think that is when I will have a harder time.  I love that age.  LOVE it!  And knowing it will be my last is more bitter than sweet to me.  It will probably be that way when I am 60 though - because that is just the way I am.  Well...hopefully by then, I'll have grandkids to love on!

He said his first word, "Mama" not to long ago.  Oh boy, was I proud.  He also says bah-bah for bye-bye.  Chris likes to tease that he said Dada first because he has jabbered that "sound" for a long time.  But an intentional "mama" was definetly first!!  He is crawling like a monkey now days and gets where he wants.  He is starting to pull himself up on things and FINALLY starting to eat food with texture and things he even has to chew.  Just this week, he has gotten SO much better at it.  Maybe it is because I moved him over to whole milk and haven't been giving him an option of just taking a bottle anymore.  (I just couldn't make myself spend another $100 on formula again!)

I really have been awful at blogging since Dallin has been born.  He truly is such a darling, sweet little fella.  It is fun to get him out of his crib in the morning and after naps becauase he is always so happy and gives big hugs.  He is getting a little attitude when he wants to let you know you have offended him.  I usually just end up laughing at him because his "tough guy" act is just so cute. 

I am so grateful to have this little boy as mine.  He brings so much happiness to our family.  I love watching Chris get to be a bigger part of his life because he is not traveling for work, in school or working extreme hours ( like he has with the other kids).  That truly is one of my favorite things to do is pretend like I am a fly on th wall when the kids are playing with Chris.  It just melts my heart.  They sure do love their dad!

Little Dallin Baby -

I hope and pray you will always know how much you are loved and wanted and needed.  The love you share with us and the cheer you bring into our home is so needed and appreciated.  Your brothers and sister love you SO much.  I can't wait to see you and Parker running around together playing in the dirt and just being boys.  Thank you for being you and helping to bring smiles to our faces.

I love you, Little Person!

Love,

Your Mom



Daddy / Daughter Dance

 A few weeks ago, Chloe gave Chris this...
(in her own words)

Yep, my girlie had her very first Daddy / Daughter Dance & Date Night!
Isn't she just so pretty!!  And she has a pretty handsome dad, if I do say so myself!

She felt SO fancy!  We curled her hair up "fancy" and I even let her put on blush and lipstick!  The lipstick was the most exciting part since she never gets to wear it!  (she always has to stick with her own shiny lipgloss)

(sorry for the blurry camera phone pictures below)

She loves to pose for the camera!

The first thing on the agenda was to meet up with some friends and their dads for dinner at Panera Bread.  These are two of her good friends, Anna and Lily.

After dinner, they headed over to the dance which was held at her elementary school.  She had lots of fun dancing with her dad and also her friends!

As the girls were wearing out, they left the dance early and all went out to ice cream.  Chloe said she got "fancy" ice cream because it had gummy bears and sprinkles mixed in the vanilla ice cream.

After ice cream, it was time to head home.  They had a fabulous time...but Chloe was exhausted!  She played hard and danced lots!

Here is the little card she made for Chris as his Thank You!  So cute and such a sweet little girl!

I'm so glad Chloe has such a wonderful dad to take her to these fun activities.  I hope she will always want to do these types of things with her dad as she gets older.